We touched on this notion at uni, and the theory espoused was that the object of a non-sexual crush generally fills the role of The Other in a direct contrast to The Self. At the time I was looking at in the context of adolesence and thought it a little too simplistic - but having gradually redefined my definition of The Other, I wonder if there's something in that after all...

I have been racking my brain to come up with an example of a male having a friend-crush on a female, but I'm drawing a complete blank on that one!

You asked what makes us fail to act on our female friend-crushes, and I'm definitely going to say fear of rejection. Or more specifically (but then I have a gargantuan case of insecurity, and an inferiority complex the approximate breadth and depth of the Pacific Ocean), the fear that while they would be nice while I was around, they'd laugh at me with their REAL friends, and not return my calls. And of course there's the fear that once we were around each other I'd have no idea what to say. So, basically, fear, and, as you said, old-fashioned school-lunchroom dynamics.

I would also like to say that my friend-crushes happen for different and frequently easily discerned reasons. There's a man in my community chorus group with whom I'd love to have deep and satisfying discussions about music. There's a group of women whose daughters are in ballet lessons with mine, and I think their friendship looks like so much fun -- like a friendship in a chick-lit book -- and wish I could be in on something like that. There's even a woman with whom I was really good friends in high school, and I keep thinking I should call her and try to get together, but I never do... although it would be a stretch to call that one a crush.

Ohhhh, this reminds me of something I heard today. My (male) coworker is known for being the quietest, least social fellow around, and I think now I might have a vague idea why. He made a remark about how he might say, "Nice weather" to a woman and she'll be all, "Yes, but *my husband* says..." (I presume this is someone who is deliberately trying to throw the H-bomb into the conversation) and he, I guess, feels like "Geez, I wasn't trying to ask you to marry me or anything here, it was just the weather!" So maybe it goes both ways?

Just linked into first chapter? of "Fire along the sky", from Bantam Dell "Sneak Peaks" email, at following: http://www.randomhouse.com/bantamdell/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=0-553-80146-5&view;=excerpt

Looking forward to book.

Jennifer, I think this is a fairly common discourse strategy, maybe even one that's been studied closely. I'll have to do a search.

Is this linguistics geekery, or do y'all find this as interesting as I do?

What an interesting topic! Dinner preparation has been abandoned ... For me too, the fear of rejection is tightly bound up with a sense of inferiority. At 35, I probably feel more at peace with myself and sure of who I am than ever before. And yet, I avoid certain situations simply because I'm sure I'll end up feeling like a wooden peg with no-one to talk to and I'll end up looking stupid. I tell myself that when I've achieved something special (such as win a writing competition or get something published) I'll feel entirely different around the people in the writing group I belong to and somehow I'll leave the fringes and be central and suddenly have heaps of interesting things to say. But, hearing you Sara it doesn't sound like instant confidence comes just from having 'achieved' in the eyes of ourselves or others. Is this a female 'condition', this whole thing about not being good enough? I can't see my husband having these concerns.

I think this is a fairly common phenomenon, and for me, at least, there's an element of wanting to be close to someone so her magic--whatever that may be--can rub off on me. Reflected light is still light.

In addition, there's a desire to try to learn what it is about her that makes her so attractive to people. I have a female friend who attracts both males and females, and I wonder what it is she has that I don't. She has a warmth about her and can talk intelligently about many subjects, which is part of her appeal, but there's something else that I can't quite put my finger on.

One of my brothers also has this elusive whatever, and is able to talk to just about anyone and be at ease doing it, and children and animals love him. Why, I don't know. Maybe he just smells good.

Whatever it is that these people have, I know I don't have it. It's still an interesting study, trying to figure out what qualities they possess that make them so attractive.

Are friend/girl crushes only unrequited? From the direction of discussion, it sounds like that's part of the description. Are the posters just not telling whether they consummated the crush?

I've felt this sort of pull but in a different way - the yearning to be someone's mentor/student. Deceptively like a friend-crush, I think, as I studied the person, assessed their suitability or appeal, and then "adopted" them to mentor. That was one at work. There's probably a lot of the chasing of the fountain of youth in it, too.

I believe I've probably had a friend-crush on every admirably competent teacher I've ever had. In only one case was it an actual sexual crush, but again, that was in the adolescent years, so I've forgiven myself for that! But he *was* hot, and french, so...enough said. The incompetent teachers, what I thought of them, was either pity or unprintable (esp. in University, when you're damn well paying for it!).

Geez that sounds bad.